Guilt is from the Devil. My Daddy always says that. He's a preacher man. Guilt is an amazing monster and it terrorizes and destroys us uniquely--it's a special guilt, just for you which is the worst part. We all respond to it differently and sometimes the people around us can't identify and then we feel super alone. Exposed, ugly and alone.
Yesterday I got online to shop for shoes and it just pulled me in. I had like 57,000 pages to look at and I couldn't stop until I'd seen them all. Meanwhile it was morning and the kids were awake and hungry and I was just sending them to the kitchen to scavenge for stuff--"gets some dry cereal, there's Cheese-Its already open, have a pear". I wanted to stop and be a mom, but not really. I wanted to want to, but mostly I wanted them to go away so I could have a lazy Sunday morning with my coffee and no jobs.
I was remembering how this kind of scenario used to look. Back in the day when I had only two kids I was seriously struggling. Two kids was enough to start upsetting the balance when daddy wasn't home and that's when I really started realizing how much time I had been enjoying for myself. I found myself feeling so resentful about all of the needs--the constant needs. Baby is awake and it's 4:00am, baby is poopy and my eyes aren't even open (I mean what a way to wake up), toddler is already up and hungry for breakfast and getting into trouble and I have to sit here and breastfeed and I haven't even had coffee. I need to get to the grocery store, but toddler is taking off her shoes and hiding my keys and throwing a temper tantrum and running into the corner of the table while baby poops (again?) through her cute little outfit and screams in my ears and needs to breastfeed (again!) I can't possibly think about getting myself ready. When would I do that? Why would I do that. Who even cares and baby will spit up on me in 5 seconds anyway, and mud will get on my clothes when I chase toddler through the parking lot in the rain. And I'm supposed to still keep the place clean even though toddler is walking along behind me taking things off of shelves and getting into literally EVERYTHING. And she wants stuff. She wants stuff all of the time. And everyone needs to eat all of the time and their are enough dishes to rebuild the Great Pyramid. And I don't like playing Polly Pockets, they barely work. I hate Disney Princess costumes all over my house and I hate that my sweet little, pretty little girls want to get undressed constantly so that they can wear them, leaving their clothes all over my house and their cute little faces covered in play make-up that I have to clean (off of their faces and off of the carpet and whatever else). Everything that they need or want costs me. Anything I do for them comes at the expense of me. I feel this knot of resentment because what about me? Am I not a person? Do I not count for anything anymore beyond what I can do to facilitate them?
But the guilt is way worse than the resentment. What kind of a person am I? I thought I was a good person, a nice person, a good mom. I wanted to be a mom, it's really all I ever wanted. I want my kids to have a wonderful life and to have memories of it being fun and happy. I want them to have the childhood I remember--the one where mommy and daddy love us and want us and lay down their lives for us and the world accepts us and is filled with possibility. But instead they got me. Selfish. I feel sorry for them. How could God give them me? If he loved them He wouldn't have. I would do anything for them--I would jump in front of a moving bus for them (although once a bee stung me and I literally dropped the baby. I was horrified. My instincts kicked in and I saved myself. Gross). I mean I love them more than anything in the world, but if I'm honest with myself, maybe not more than me. In my little world inside my little head, this kind of crushing, suffocating, overwhelming guilt turns to anger (guilt=anger for me. It's just the way I roll). I was so angry. Angry that I wasn't getting my needs met, angry that my kids weren't' getting their needs met. Angry that in order for us to survive it would be them or me. Angry that I couldn't willingly and enthusiastically chose them. Angry at myself, angry at God, at Jacob, and my kids. Angry with all of the other moms who seemed to do it effortlessly. I felt so alone. I was dying of guilt.
I don't know what broke it really. It was a series of things. It was a journey of discovering that I am not perfect. I mean, of course! I didn't think that I was, but I guess somehow I thought I was supposed to be. I knew I was selfish and petty and impatient, and critical (and, and, and), but somehow I was still surprised that it was showing up, and angry. I thought that the success of my family and the happiness of my kids required it. I didn't know that I thought that or I never would have done it. It wasn't conscious. I remember riding along in the car with my sis and pouring it all out and I could tell she was trying to understand. She kept saying I don't see what you're talking about, I mean I hear you and I'm so sorry you're hurting, but I don't see it. She didn't expect me to be perfect so it didn't surprise and horrify her when I wasn't. Sure, she's seen me holler at my kids a time or two, but so? They're annoying sometimes. She knows I love them, she knows they know I love them. She knows I like my house orderly and the kids are little animals and she's sure that's really frustrating. So?
It just started to clear up. It's like God gave me Claritin. The world does not depend on me being good. My family does not depend on me being good. My kids do not need me to be good. God is good. My kids do have a perfect parent, and it isn't me! But he gave these kids to me and me to them, and it is good. "Other mothers"--the ones who are doing it right, better, different--they are not right for my job. I am the right person for this job. I know this because God is good, and He chose me to do it. He must think I'm capable of it and He loves me, so really I am free! Free to do this job, to do it sometimes poorly, to say "I'm sorry" and move on. I am loved, I am forgiven.
Forgiveness is so freeing. The guilt and anger and blaming were doing more damage than anything else I was or wasn't doing. The tone was so unhappy, so bound up. Like a time bomb waiting to go off. But nothing is riding on me. Who do I think I am that so much would be riding on me being perfect? That's just silly. Later, when telling some of this to my mom, she looked at me quizzically and said "I yelled at you guys all of the time, I used to sleep until 11:00 on Saturdays and spent most of your childhood in depression". I don't even remember that. I mean I remember that she used to sleep late, and I guess I remember getting hollered at periodically, but so? I remember that she loved me, she gave everything to me. She was an amazing mom and I can't even imagine if I had been raised by another. I want to be just like her.
I hope this is encouraging and not horrifying. Its not always that great to show people what's inside. Sometimes people judge you and maybe they think less of you, or they pat you on the head and patronize you, but I don't even care anymore. I know who I am. "Know who you are and be that". I know how ugly it gets up inside my head, there's no denying it. Sometimes motherhood is too big a sacrifice for me and I feel sorry for myself and take it out on them. Sometimes I'm a terrible, selfish mother. But I know that God never expected me to be anything but what I am, and I know I'm forgiven. I am always free to face it, to ask them to forgive me too, just like God does. And they always do. They are better at being my kids than I am at being their mom. They are not bound by guilt. They are such great kids, I am so blessed. Maybe you don't struggle with this in exactly the same way. Maybe guilt looks different on you, but I'm sure you feel it too. It's part of the job description. I always have to remind myself that each day is a new day. Who I am is no surprise to God. I am forgiven for yesterday and I am never going to be capable of perfection tomorrow--but nothing is riding on me! God is my perfect parent and believes in me. Not because I can do it right, but because I am unique. I bring myself into this home--all of the great parts of me and all of the ugly--and I was hand-chosen for these kids, for this life, and it is good!
What a wonderful way to start Monday morning! God is working in my guilty/angry/resentful heart also....He is so GOOD and faithful! It is such a incredible thing to see how wretched we are and then to see His Goodness overflowing in our life! I love you Ramah!!
ReplyDeleteI love you too Wendy! We're always free to be disasters, but it's really nice when you feel loved in spite of it instead of rejected because of it. That is just an undeserved gift.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ramah. Good to be reminded that I am not alone in this parenting boat; nor alone in the Guilt boat. But better to be reminded that the boat sails straight to God and His forgiveness and then He sends me back refreshed and forgiven. I struggle with guilt sometimes, too- for being selfish. I am the MOST selfish person I know. Seriously. And I have felt/thought many of your feelings & thoughts, too. I am thankful for grace, love and a forgiving God! Love you!
ReplyDeleteSo great to hear from you Tanja! I hear you about the selfish monster--laying down my life has never been my strong suit. It's really validating to hear that so many people can relate--I spent years feeling alone and unqualified. It's too bad that more people don't talk about the ugly stuff--I think it's pretty universal. Just knowing that you aren't the only one shines light into a dark place. I love you girl!
DeleteRamah thank you for this, it hits me right where I live just now. You know (well you don't but I am going to tell you), Yesterday I woke up to my usual feeling of having had very little sleep and no rest. I didn't want to get up and go to church, I didn't want to put on my happy mask and go get prayed for, I just wanted to wallow in my pool of self pity.
ReplyDeleteI got up anyway because I felt guilty for not supporting Linda. i mean it was her day for cookies and Adam and Missy were back and I had missed them and I wanted to go and see all of the kids and let their hugs and innocent love make me feel better about myself. Somehow (I can't even remember why now0, but Linda and I began to disagree and then fight, and then yell, now I had a good solid reason not to want to go to church with her and I felt justified.
Somehow we shoved things under the rug (you should see the size of that pile, gynormous!). I took my shower and readied my clothes and gathered all our usual go to church stuff and set off for a day of worship. On the way through the simple act of asking and answering each others queries as to what is going on with us that can lead to mornings such as we had just experienced we managed to re-escalate the battle, quickly getting right back to being positive that every word out of the others mouth was bull and manipulative. I reached a point of anger that permitted me to decide that I was not going to church with her, I would simply take her there drop her off leaving her to her own devices to find a ride home. I did exactly that with a feeling of hmmm I'll show her! I am a man of principles and I cannot be controlled to bend or break them.
I rode home with an overwhelming feeling of remorse and guilt blended together with a large dollop of (I was right, this is on her). I stared at the super bowl with little interest and drank my beer and tried hard to convince myself that she would have to come home crawling through the proverbial glass and acknowledging the fact that she had cheated me out of my day of happiness and fellowship. I don't need to tell you how it did so not go according to my script.
We finished the evening with periods of acting like normal followed by quarters of (if this is not your fault then it must be someone else's for surely it cannot be mine). At the halftime of our unwillingness to accept our individual parts in the proceedings we settled on her just going to bed and me just doing my usual staying up and being righteous and making that pile under the rug just a bit larger. It did not end that way because my guilt and love forced me to bring her back out to talk more and try to settle things instead of letting the ferment overnight. Of course the outcome was going to be, had to be my vindication and I would be free of the guilt.
It didn't end that way surprise, surprise so we eventually did just go to our neutral corners and postponed the end of the game for a later date. We are better today but I think we both know that it is simply smoke and mirrors that allow us to feel some gains were made. I am comforted with the knowledge that we still love each other but don't necessarily like each other right now. As I write this I think that the fact that I don't love myself is a fair amount of the kindling that starts these fires but I am positive that there is much more to it then that.
I am so thankful that Lin called me on her break this morning and turned me onto your blog (this particular segment), as it has reminded me that I may be setting the bar to high for my abilities and therefore doing the same for everyone else. I am comforted to be reminded that grace; love and repentance are there in my sports bag. God does not care how our little game ends. He already knows and I am already forgiven by him.
I just need to work on the quality of love, for myself and my fellow teammates. Thanks Ramah and I love you.
Tim, so sorry it's been such a rough weekend! I can certainly relate. I always think it's so interesting how feeling inadequate translates into self pity which translates into anger and blaming. It seems like feeling inadequate would be more vulnerable and endearing! I guess self-protection kicks in combined with an unwillingness to admit that "feeling inadequate" is not the same as facing sin and it just gets raw and ugly. I think for me it is always about letting go of the results of my parenting (or whatever it is). If the results are dependent on me it's too threatening when I do a terrible job. If the results are Gods, then my failure is not such a big deal to admit. It's funny how that translates into deep breaths which translates into a little peace which translates into freer parenting! It's almost like I am powerless to do good works on my own:) HaHa! Love you man, and miss you guys like nuts!
DeleteHi Ramah!
ReplyDeleteI love you, sister! We are all more selfish than we will ever admit or even recognize, and kids definitely have a way of putting it right in our faces! I went through a very dark time where I thought that the fact that I could see my sin so clearly meant that I was not a child of God. It was your dad's book that opened my eyes to the truth that it was just the opposite. ONLY God's children see their sin. It is only His grace that shows us our need for a Savior. For the first time it all became Good News! Jesus did it all and paid it all on my behalf--it is finished!
(I'm on one of your dad's mailing lists, and I'm so glad he sent out a link to your blog! I read this this morning--while Ransom was sitting next to me saying, "Mommy, me hungry!"--and a weight was lifted. The gospel is a powerful thing!)
Lots of love,
Amy Klomparens
Amy! Oh my, it's so awesome to hear from you! It truly is incredible how the death has to come first. I can so relate to feeling like something is wrong with me or that I am not really a Christian. I really suffered feeling alone in this, but I think that the very fact that I went through it and even alone, is what broke me. I am so grateful now. It's so encouraging to find other mothers who identify--it validates the whole experience! It just confirms that God had it under control the whole time and this is a huge part of what we're called to do. This job is meant to break us! Sometimes I feel so lame that two kids is what did it for me when women like you handled so much more! We all have our own breaking point:) I love you and miss you!
DeleteRoost, great stuff! You encourage me! I love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Brother! I Love you too!
DeleteHi Ramah! We fellowshipped with you all at Tree of Life in '96 - '97 and your mom and dad have been a blessing to our family since! Your dad sending this out was quite a gift that I shared with my children and some dear friends. Wish I had this grasp when raising our children! Your sharing and articulation of transparency helps open the eyes of many deep corners for the Lords healing balm of grace and mercy to mend. Thank you! One friend wrote back inquiring of the book your dad wrote. Could you ask Amy which one helped her? Thanks! Thomasmama@yahoo.com ♥Monica
ReplyDeleteMonica, so great to hear from you! I will always remember that long line of beautiful children you and Mark were raising. I had no idea at the time just exactly what you had taken on, but my hat is off to you now that I know what an incredible commitment to both life and death that this journey is! You are one tough woman:) Thank you for reading and commenting--it's so encouraging! I will ask Amy, but I think it was probably either Tasting New Wine or the Scandalous Gospel. Love to you and yours!
DeleteRamie, I have been following your blog since you started it and have wanted to respond, but just so much to say. This time, though, I just couldn't resist. It always makes me laugh and I can always relate, but this one hit right at home. You hit at the same life's guilt I suffer from with parenthood. How could God have possibly punished these four children so horribly to give them me for a mother? I live in fear of all the ways I'm screwing them up. It is so true what you say, that God is the perfect parent and he doesn't expect us to be. That IS so freeing; freeing of guilt and the burden to be something I'm not; free to be the parent God chose for my kids. Not like my friend, my sister, you etc...just me. Thank you for your words, I love and miss you, my friend...koko
DeleteKori! I miss you! I can't even tell you how delighted I was so see that "Tisdel" show up in my inbox. I have to admit, there was at least a few tears:) I want to have coffee and catch up and see your face and smooch your kids. Will we ever meet again? It's been so awesome to write this stuff down and then find so many people who have been through a similar experience. It turns out I wasn't really alone at all, I just didn't know it. It's very encouraging. I wish we could do this thing closer together. I love you!
DeleteRamah,
ReplyDeleteThere have been many times when I would like to start a blog where I can talk about parenting and housekeeping and living a real life and all of that. But, now I find that you are saying so much of what I'm feeling, and it is way faster and easier to just read yours than to set up my own, compose posts, and probably not say things nearly as well, if not in a bit briefer format. ;-)
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I relate to much of what you're saying, and I'm really taking some inspiration from your attitude. I've even subscribed to your blog so I don't miss any posts.
Thanks so much for sharing.
So glad you can relate to the stuff I'm saying. I felt pretty isolated when I started on this parenting journey, so my hope is that this is a little bit of community for those of us that are in it together! Thank you so much for reading! And, no, brief is not my style:)
DeleteThe Scandalous Gospel is a book that changed my life. I recommend it especially if you are at the place where you see your own sin and rebellion so clearly that you question your salvation. This is where I was. Jesus could not have said it more clearly--He came to save the sick and sinners, not the righteous and healthy, but we think seeing ourselves as righteous and healthy shows that we are His children, when it is just the opposite!!! I was a Pharisee who saw that everything I ever considered "good works" were filthy rags. Now the gospel is good news, the weight is lifted, the burden is not mine to carry (except when I forget and take it up again, which is surprisingly often!) It is finished, it was finished, it will always be finished, because Jesus paid it all and I can not mess that up.
ReplyDeleteKori--I love "hearing" from you too, even though you were not writing to me!
Amy K